Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, and his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What do I do?”

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”

Ted was recalling a story about his first skydiving instructor:

During class he would take time to answer any of our stupid First Timer Questions. One guy asked: “If our chute doesn’t open…..and the reserve doesn’t open, how long do we have till we hit the ground?”

Our jump master looked at him and with a perfectly straight face answered: “The rest of your life.”

Tim left his cat with his brother Mike while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, he called Mike to see when he could pick the cat up. Mike hesitated, then said, “I’m so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died.”

Tim was very upset and yelled, “You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn’t come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away.”

Mike thought about it and apologized.

“So how’s Mom?” asked Tim.

“She’s on the roof and won’t come down.”

The following are the new error messages that are under consideration for the planned release of the next version of Windows:

• Error! Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
• Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
• Press any key except… no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
• Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
• This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
• Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)
• File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
• Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
• WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
• User Error: Replace user.
• Windows VirusScan 1.0 - “Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)”
• Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.

The staff at a local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer.

The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. “Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?”

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, “First, did your
research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has
medical bills that are several times her annual income?”

Embarrassed, the United Way representative mumbled, “Um… No.”

“Or,” the lawyer continued, “that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?”

The stricken United Way representative began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted when the lawyer added, “Or that my sister’s husband died in a traffic accident?” the lawyer! ’s voice rising in indignation, “Leaving her pennyless with three children?”

The humiliated United Way representative, completely beaten, said
simply, “I had no idea…”

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, “So if I don’t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?”

This is an actual collection of leave letters and applications written by people (obviously from non-English speaking countries)

An employee applied for leave as follows: Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife. Please sanction me one-week leave.

Another employee applied for half day leave as follows: “Since I’ve to go to the cremation ground and I may not return, Please grant me half day casual leave”

A candidate’s application: “This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ‘typist and an accountant - Male or Female’… As I am both for the past several years and I can handle both, I am applying for the post.

A friend of mine had written a leave letter to the headmaster: “As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today”

A family friend of ours told an incident of his friend’s letter “I am suffering from fever, please declare holiday to the school”

Another leave letter written to the headmaster: “As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day”.

A covering note “I am enclosed herewith…”

Another leave letter written to Administration dept: “As my mother-in-law has expired and I am responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave.”

Actual letter written for application of leave: “My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave”.

Letter writing: - “I am in well here and hope you are also in the same well.”

It was about a month ago when a Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so went to his priest. “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a Jew in my attic.”

“Well,” answered the priest, “that’s not a sin.”

“But I made him agree to pay me 20 Gulden for every week he stayed.”

“I admit that wasn’t good, but you did it for a good cause.”

“Oh thank you Father; that eases my mind. Er, I have one more question…”

“What is that, my son?”

“Do I have to tell him the war is over?”

I don’t know if these are true, but they make an amusing read in any case. I originally found these on this page.

• The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.
• Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.
• A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
• Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.
• Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message “He’s lying” was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn’t telling the truth. Believing the “lie detector” was working, the suspect confessed.
• Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a movie in 1983 on the dangers of low-level bridges when the truck he was standing on passed under a low-level bridge — killing him.
• Two West German motorists had an all-too-literal head-on collision in heavy fog near the small town of Guetersloh. Each was guiding his car at a snail’s pace near the center of the road. At the moment of impact their heads were both out of the windows when they smacked together. Both men were hospitalized with severe head injuries. Their cars weren’t scratched.
• George Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence, R.I., narrowly escaped death when a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for one wall. After treatment for minor injuries, he returned to the scene to search for files. The remaining wall then collapsed on him, killing him.

Find more here..

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He’s got two large bags over his shoulders.

The guard stops him and says, “What’s in the bags?”
“Sand,” answered Juan. The guard says, “We’ll see about that. Get off the bike.” The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.

He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border. A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, “What have you got?” “Sand,” says Juan. The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events is repeated every week for three years. Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.

“Hey, buddy,” says the guard, “I know you are smuggling something. It’s driving me crazy. It’s all I think about….. I can’t sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?”

Juan sips his beer and says, “Bicycles.”

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his throat to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.” The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan’s offer.

One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?” asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”

The Irishman replies, “Oh… I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.